Do you ever feel like your life isn’t good enough? That your stuck in this Mundane pattern where you are unfulfilled?
Yes! I feel like this from time to time. I’ve never been happy with just sitting back. Constant motivation, routine and activity is required to keep my brain occupied. Not being occupied is a recipe for disaster. I analyse every part of my life. Self-sabotage, usually comes first. I’ve never been great with being consistent without purpose and It frustrates me so much. I constantly pick up new hobbies, stick at them for a few months then when the interest wanes I find another hobby to fill it with. It affects how I view myself and it leads to self-deprecating thoughts and words. I get stuck in my head and create a vicious cycle of negativity that I believe. It’s not healthy and it’s certainly not going to end well.
Admitting when I’ve gone off track is difficult, but here I am writing the very words I despise. I failed at sticking to my plan. Sure, I’ve managed to write my weekly blogs, but I have turned them into a habit. I stuck to the plan because I have you my reader to be accountable for. However, tasks I really struggle with have not turned into habits and I’ve failed at them. Because I’m not being accountable to myself. I’m not valuing myself! It’s not just the tasks though, it’s my attitude. My whole attitude, thought process and happiness have been based on achievements, goals and things that make me feel good. Things give me a dopamine hit just like the ‘like’ button embedded in social media. Being a partner and mother has grounded me. It’s made me realise I lived a very hedonistic life previously. It was a selfish life that constantly relied on feelings of pleasure, dopamine and reward. It was not a true life of content and love. Now I’m not saying I can’t love doing the things I mentioned above. I’m just saying if they are my purpose they are not going to bring me inner happiness long term. Being a Partner and Mother is not always gratifying and when you’re responsible for others it is learning the act of selflessness. This conflicts with my inner hedonist that lived previously for life’s constant highs. It was an addiction, a void that needed to be filled. This life was my rut and one I’m still climbing out of. It’s actually a spiritual awakening, because in silence, in times where I am least gratified my weakness is realised and my purpose is questioned. Reflecting on who you really are as a person can be a rude awakening.
When you have an uneasiness in your life and you’re filling it with things that comfort you or bring you short spikes of pleasure like hobbies, shopping, food, parties, drinking, work etc then I am here to tell you they will only last so long before they wear thin and your whole self worth becomes questioned again.
I know you cannot fill voids in your life with these things permanently. Because none of those things offer you contentness in mind and body. It’s a spiritual war in your mind.
So what am I to do? Well in difficulty I like to reflect. Currently I’m reading a bunch of self-help books but also I’m easing myself back into gentle prayer and meditation. I need to learn to love myself and get back to the basics. Yes, I believe in God. I’ve been given enough signs in my life and I prayed for these signs. Sometimes under duress. Then I forget about God until I needed him again. Talk about a one-sided relationship. A hedonist and a user. Geez! Your life is easier and more peaceful when you’re open to the fruit of Gods love. Now, you may not believe in God and that’s ok. Everyone has a different spiritual pathway. But knowing that there is a higher power that you can talk to and ask for guidance such as God is very comforting in times of uncertainty. However it shouldn’t just be in times of uncertainty when we call on him. This is why I’m choosing to strengthen this bond on a daily basis. I want to grow my faith!
I need to stop cluttering my mind with all the things I think I need and find my inner peace with being who I am now. Failure is not a reason to give up. It’s a reason to pick up from where you left and try again. Getting to the root of my problem amongst times of uncertainty is the only way to heal within. Climbing out of the rut is the goal. Welcome to my spiritual awakening chapter. I have no answers for what comes next but I’m trusting in God to take me down the road of love and trust once more. You can fail many times, but he is always there with open arms.
So please God, get me out of this rut to help me be a better human.